Not long ago, the former governor of my state of Pennsylvania and his wife, who is a federal judge, announced that they were getting a divorce. Their announcement was unique in that it emphasized that the divorce was amicable, they were comfortable in being in each other’s company, and people who know them both and want to invite them to the same party should feel comfortable in doing so. Their announcement recognized the discomfort that many people feel in such situations which most of us face relatively rarely and without guidelines.
That got me to thinking about other situations that make some of us uncomfortable. How do we deal with a friend or co-worker who has experienced a death in the family or a shameful event in the family or even a serious illness or job loss? Most of us don’t have a lot of practice in dealing with such situations and we don’t have personal guidelines for doing so. Usually we don’t get input or guidance about expectations such as the former governor and the judge provided. Rarely does a hospitalized patient call and tell us whether s/he wants visitors and rarely does a friend who got fired for misconduct let you know whether s/he is looking for emotional support.
In the absence of guidelines for uncomfortable situations, we need to create our own. Because the recipient of our action is a unique individual, that person may not receive our actions in the spirit with which they were intended – and knowing that should in itself reduce our discomfort. In other words, there’s no need to overthink about a perfect solution because we won’t know what works until we try it. To help reduce uncertainty about how to act in uncomfortable situations, I recommend that you ask yourself the following questions before acting:
1. Does this have anything to do with me? (If I didn’t cause the divorce or the job loss or the illness, why do I need to be uncomfortable?)
2. If I were in the other person’s situation, would I want friends reaching out to me?
3. If I act, what can go right? After that, ask what can go wrong?
4. Is doing nothing an appropriate behavior in this situation?
5. Is there any downside to seeking the other person’s input in this situation? (Do you want to talk about it? Would like visitors? Would you be uncomfortable if we invited your ex?)
I’ve found that by the time you’ve run through this series of questions, you can often come up with an answer. It may not be ideal and it may not always make you comfortable, but it generally can reduce discomfort and reduce the feeling of regret that often follows indecision.
We all face uncomfortable situations from time to time. If you’ve got any techniques that have worked for you in such situations, please share them with us.