Some very compassionate people have a difficult time expressing self-compassion. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion expert at the University of Texas, the practice of self-compassion involves giving ourselves the same kindness and care that we’d give to a friend.
Why do some people find that concept so difficult? In some cases, the problem is rooted in a history of criticism by significant others or by expectations that family members or employers have placed that are impossible to meet. In other cases, people have treated failures as reasons for self-criticism rather than as challenges to meet and overcome. In any case, inadequate self-compassion leads to self-criticism and reduced feelings of self-worth.
Acceptance of our humanness implies a recognition of the fact that we are imperfect beings who, over time, will make mistakes and be disappointed in ourselves at times, but we don’t have to let those instances define us as human beings. Self-compassion does not mean wallowing in self-pity or looking for excuses when we have fallen short, but it does mean that we acknowledge that we may be experiencing a disappointment or may be going through a difficult time. At times like that, it is important to call upon those personal resources that we utilize when we are being compassionate to a friend.
In essence, being self-compassionate means that you are being a good friend to yourself – and that’s a good thing to remember under all kinds of circumstances.