In the course of my work with patients, I often ask some positive-oriented questions such: When was the best time in your life? What do you like about yourself? What makes you so resilient?
While some patients don’t expect that type of question in therapy, and some struggle to answer, eventually most come up with an answer that is both responsive to the question and meaningful to the therapeutic process. A substantial minority, however, cannot provide a positive response without going off on a tangent that leads to putting themselves down.
For example, a patient may describe the best time in her life – and then immediately point out that the best time is behind her and she’s only experienced disappointments in recent years. Another may tell me about his resilience despite an oppressive home situation when was growing up – and then quickly point out that years of being in chronic pain have broken down his resilience.
These are examples of what I call a negative tangent, and it is counterproductive to personal growth. It is impossible to deny those negative experiences that have affected our growth and happiness, but it is irresponsible to make them so central to our lives that we cannot acknowledge positive attributes without running them through a negative filter.
When you are asked to relate something positive about yourself, assume that the questioner recognizes that that you also have had to deal with painful, shameful, and unfair experiences – but that’s not what the question was about. You can objectively bring up the negative stuff when you are asked about flaws or disappointments, but not at a time when the focus is upon your strengths.
When you were in school and your teacher asked you the spelling of a word, you were not expected to respond by giving the answer to a math question. The same type of reasoning applies here. Allow yourself the opportunity to focus on positive aspects of yourself without going off in a negative direction. With a little bit of practice, you may be surprised to find out how self-rewarding it is to think positively without feeling a need to spoil the moment with a negative tangent.