Because so many things that we deal with in psychology cannot be physically measured, the field lends itself to various interpretations about all sorts of things. There is no equivalent of an EKG or MRI or blood pressure cuff to objectively measure empathy or resilience or even love. As a result, there is no uniform psychological theory that is adhered to by all psychologists.
One of the issues that divides various practitioners in the field is the importance of the past. Like most psychologists who have been trained since the latter third of the 20th century, I tend to place greater emphasis on the present and taking control of the future than on spending much time reworking the past and assigning blame to past events or individuals for current behavior. I believe that the best way to go about changing is to work on changing.
I do, however, respect those who come from a different theoretical orientation, but I think that some of them miss the boat by primarily focusing on past traumas and other negative events to the exclusion of things that have gone particularly well in life. One of the questions that I routinely ask my patients and clients is, “When was the best time in your life?”
That question almost always elicits a response that reveals that the best time occurred when the person felt most confident and congruent and in charge of emotions and behavior. Admittedly, environmental conditions contributed – such as a supportive parent, understanding boss, loving partner, or a lifestyle that promoted independence and assertiveness. But a close examination is sure to reveal that virtually nobody is a passive participant in the best time of his or her life.
A person doesn’t need to be in therapy to consult with that part of themselves that functioned during the best time of life. It’s important to recapture that part of you that contributed to making it so good. If it’s been a while, however, and you’ve been emotionally beaten down so much that you can’t implement the behaviors to make the present better for you, that’s a signal to seek professional help.
Whether this type of self-examination is a do-it-yourself project or done with professional guidance, the goal should be to surpass that best time of life during the present and the future.
Although I don’t allow patients to avoid self-examination about the past by giving the following answer, we actually should always be striving to ensure that the best time in life hasn’t happened yet.